Here's a real case senario.......
Couple of months ago on a warm summer night, there was this fine man who was feeling abit lonely because his wife was having a girls' night out and was going to spend her night in a hotel with her girlfriends. Meanwhile his own son and daughter were either away travelling or spending a night at a friend's house, although his mother was present and asleep soundly in the third level of his house.
Nonetheless, this man had a god-daughter (of the same age as his son), whom he knew he could count on to accompany him for a night of dvd and sips of red. The god-daughter was about to head back to her own house but felt abit guilty for she knew that her god-father'd appreciate if she'd just be his companion for the night and there was nothing to worry about because she'd stayed over there so many times before and even had her own wash up kit in the house. So after the movie and two glasses of red, they called the night off and proceed to their own room right away.
Upon waking up the next morning, god-daughter went to third level to greet her god-grandmother before she left. However, the god-grandmother was surprised to see her and felt abit puzzled afterwards (just because she came from overseas not long ago and thus didn't really recognized the god-grand-daughter). So when her own daughter-in-law came home later, the confused old lady then asked what the toot was going on. Daughter-in-law was very upset when she found out what happened, and so she confronted her husband about why he was spending the night alone with his god-daughter when nobody was home. When the god-daughter next spoke to her god-mother, she sensed that something was wrong and got very upset when she realized that the god-mother was having such a negative perception on her. In a way, she felt that she was accused of seducing her own god-father........???
Sadly, for the next few months, there were no contact whatsoever between the god-daughter and her god-parents. Recently, the god-daughter got back in touch with her god-father and realized that her god-mother was still overwrought with the same sensitive issue. God-daughter felt very heartbroken indeed because deep down in her heart, she really loved her god-parents for being so kind-hearted, generous and helpful, and most importantly she was very grateful to have them looked after her so well during her younger years. The last thing she wanted was to have such a broken relationship because all she cared for was the friendship and god-parentalship that they'd built over the years.
So what could she do to fix the problem, if there was any? To appologize for staying over when nobody was around even though she was invited by her god-father who was quite lonely on that particular night??? Or to be forgiven when she merely had one scanty thought about anything else but being of use and accompany her own god-father for just that one night???
Anyhow, in order to act rationally and of sophistication, the god-daughter should perhaps just rock up and appologize at the very least for making her god-mother distressed about the entire situation. Notwithstanding, to be accused of something so unworth of being accused at is just ridiculously absurb.
tOOt.
Khye's 6yo SOLAR SYSTEM Birthday Cake
5 years ago
12 comments:
there are only 2 things worth considering:
1. Both the god-parents are old enough and have been married long enough to know better and understand each other. So perhaps the fact that the wife was so upset, she had reason to be so even though the god-daughter feels she did nothing wrong. Consider this from multiple angles.
2. If indeed after very careful and wise consideration, the god-daughter determines a) she knows the god-father's character well-enough, b) the way she views her relationship with the family is the same as how anyone else would view it, and c) the scenario that night is at least 85% free from possibility of being misconstrued... only and only if all above is true can she determine that the god-mother had no reason to be upset.
If after considering both above, the god-daughter still feels so "toot". Then there is something wrong with the god-mother and their marriage, so really nothing to be upset about.
However, I find it strange that the god-daughter seems to think it such a big deal for a grown man to be home alone. Most people at that age are old enough to take care of themselves and occupy themselves. Plus, the importance the god-daughter places on him being left alone implies that he rarely gets time alone, inwhichcase he may have appreciated some quiet time alone rather than to have to accompany the god-daughter.
Any case, I don't have a god-father but in considering this case, have imagined the scenario with each of my uncles, close friends and a few not-so-close friends... except for Wang Wei (my only ex-bf who isn't married or possibly has psychosis), my dad and my bro, I don't think there is any other guy I would go through the above scenario with where I wouldn't assume a level of risk of things going wrong or misconstrued.
Hmmm....sure, perhaps the god-daughter may not view her relationship with the family as how the rest of the family members (except the god-father) would view it, but why would she care if the god-father did consider her as his god-daughter? Well, so did the god-mother. Although the family members did accept her as one of the family but somehow it didn't turn out to be how the relationship in an asian family would.
Back to the point. I guess the god-mother has the right to be upset. Why not? She didn't feel comfortable and the fact that having her god-daughter staying overnight with her husband alone in the house (regardless of the god-grandmother) was inappropriate, she had every right to feel distressed.
Then what, did she want the god-daughter to appologize for her inappropriate action? Then why wouldn't she speak out loud and have a direct conversation (with the god-daughter) to make things clear like an adult would?
With the tOOt, I just felt that if I were her, I wouldn't make such a big fuss over things (only with her husband) and if I could sleep on the same bed as my husband, I would've trusted his words and action. Albeit, it's really difficult to trust any guys in this era nowadays.............
I guess, the god-daughter understands the god-father well to know that he'd appreciate her company on that night when he asked her to. Just a movie and couple of sips of his favourite drink. As simple as what a friend would've done for his/her close friend............
Well, well, there's always lessons to learn in life =)
Can't wait to see you back in Melbourne and ain't looking forward to see you leave for a far-away land. X
Albeit, it's really difficult to trust any guys in this era nowadays...
Guys (all humans, really) and their sins have always been the same, nowadays and before. In fact when women had lesser status, it was easier for men to treat women as they like.
Then why wouldn't she speak out loud and have a direct conversation (with the god-daughter) to make things clear like an adult would?... I just felt that if I were her, I wouldn't make such a big fuss over things (only with her husband) and if I could sleep on the same bed as my husband, I would've trusted his words and action.
Again, a naive thinking. It is not always easy for a woman to tell her husband her concerns and troubles. Either your relationship has always troubled her but (i) she may have been afraid to voice her fears to her husband for fear he wouldn't like it, or perhaps (ii) she has already spoken to him many times but he's merely dismissed her. She could well have spoken to him about you many times in the past, but without your knowledge. It is possible you have always been a bit of a thorn for her, but she continues to play the good wife and entertain you when you're around.
It is also naive to think she could have easily just spoken to you directly "like an adult". An adult would realise things aren't always easy/straightforward. If (i) above, then if she already doesn't know how to speak to her husband, she may feel awkward to speak to you and may even fear that you will speak to her husband and can create more trouble. If (ii) above, then she has already previously spoken to her husband who has dismissed her, so she can't possibly speak to you witout ruining her marriage. A marriage is not simple. Just because two people share a piece of paper doesn't mean they know how to live together and can be assured to continue living together. Any relationship is difficult to manage and especially a wife of that generation has many things to consider that you may not be aware of.
Then what, did she want the god-daughter to appologize for her inappropriate action?
If indeed she is concerned about the god-daughter's effect over her husband, then perhaps she is not waiting for an apology. The reason she isn't approaching the god-daughter for an apology or to talk things through is that she may be using this opportunity to stop having a close relationship with her with hope that then the god-daughter won't be spending that much time with the family and hence spend less time with her husband. In other words, if the god-daughter truly values the god-mother, then it is up to the former to approach latter in a grown up manner. From my readings here, I'm not sure the "god-daughter" is grown up. Always thinking she just wants to be nice to people and give everything she can, but not thinking that sometimes people don't really need her to help or that she is obviously just being used or that she is just being silly or that by helping she may be causing problem for others or to herself.
The god-daughter will never grow up if she continues to crave to be loved and so puts away all logical thinking (which she used to be capable of) to give herself above and beyond normally needed to everyone around her. She doesn't realise that the way she goes about it, only those who will exploit her will make use of her. Anyone who is decent wouldn't allow her to carry on the way she does. Therefore, the only people who will continue to use her and/or go to her for "help" are those of suspicious character. The god-daughter will not earn respect this way. She isn't being kind-hearted, she is simply being foolish.
This leads me to my final conclusion. I never liked your god-father. He is only nice to you because he gets so much more from you and so he is nice to you so that he can continue to use you. Maybe the god-mother isn't really afraid that you will lure him, but because she too can't stand the way he has tricked you to think so highly of him and so intentionally tried to create a distance between you actually in order to save you from being further tricked. You should know that all my comments are biased because I don't like your god-father at all.
I say all this at expense of making you even more "toot", of course... and at risk of our friendship. But I don't like him and you should wake up. That is my honest opinion and friends should be honest.
My analysis is that in your first few years in Melbourne, you were perhaps lonely or craved the care/love of friends/family in Malaysia. Coping with the people and environment around you made you lose your confidence and self-esteem. So to get attention or love, you tried to become cute and super-nice. That is OK, but you should also apply some thought to your actions by consciously being aware why you now so crave to be appreciated/liked. Knowing the reason you are the way you are now, perhaps you will realise you don't need to be such an extreme and it is about time you take your head up and stop cheating yourself.
I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to you in Melbourne.
aiyah shit... i juz noticed the quotation marks in my comment didn't come up. but i think u should be able to recognise n work out which are your own statements. ;)
Fuiyoh, just a one night sleep and I managed 4 more shots in the chest.
Why would you say that whatever you said would ruin our friendship and yet still did that?? Do you really think I would de-friend you after reading your honest but critical statements like that? I like honesty, and I can tolerate critics - although it may hurt a little.
You had your points, but not all of them were right. Regardless of what you think of the god-father, I can't help it if you insist of having such a conception but I could advise you that you didn't get em' all right. Perhaps it was my fault for not explaining things better for you last time and hence your impression towards him wasn't good, right from the start. You should at least get to know him yourself and re-consider.
I'd always liked to look at people in a good way because I know that nobody is perfect. I'd accept them for who they are and whether I was being used or not, I didn't think so because there's always give and take. If I'd have felt being used (to some extent), I'd have run away from them but thus far, I haven't.
BUT, I've learnt from this incident that trying to be nice is not always the right thing to do. I did say NO in the first place and that I was going home that night, but I was just not quite strong enough with my choice. Once again, I want to reinforce here that it was just a movie and couple of sips afterall. No advantages whatsoever was taken or being taken.
"In other words, if the god-daughter truly values the god-mother, then it is up to the former to approach latter in a grown up manner." - The god-daughter's done that without even realizing what the god-mother was thinking. Only to realize after several good few months (from the god-father) that the god-mother was still upset and having such a negative perception on her especially after all these years of knowing her.......was pretty disappointing. Still, I'd always liked the making-things-straight-directly approach. I guess they've got so many businesses to take care of too, and way too busy for things like that - and vice versa. Anyhow, god-daughter's apologized and god-mother'd smiled (provided it was a true smile). If she'd like to not have anymore contact, that's also possible but it's just a shame. I guess she didn't mind not having the contact anymore because truly but sadly, the god-daughter's indeed of no use to her.
Yes you were right, that I may've yearned for family love, care, and attention. And my god-father was giving me all that (at least in melbourne), was that a bad thing? I could see that he'd always liked to have a god-daughter and a god-son as well. He did, he had both and he was contented. But his family didn't agree with him having strangers in the house, that's all. Too bad.
Trying to be cute can be a good and a bad thing. I like being cute when I can make one smile. I can be serious if I wanted to, but I didn't think trying to act "mature" all the time is attractive. At least not to me. Yet, I guess you were right that my logical thinking capacity've been clouded over the years...and sometimes I found it very challenging to decide what's the best thing to do.
Anyway, things can be considered sorted right now. Taking the god-parental relationship seriously doesn't mean that one is craving to be loved. I appreciate the friendship and any other relationships that I built with my friends and anyone whom I come across in my life very much. I'd get disappointed if I know that she/he didn't really think the same but I won't cry over it. I'd just walk away, that's all.
Thanks for clearing up the circumstance with me, this is just another one small dilemma that I've come across lately.
=)
Ps...do you like my fish tank? You can feed em' by just clicking on the tank =D
X
Hmm...on second read through the part of what you've analyzed (second last para), I guess you've got approx 99.9% right. I realized that I'm an extremist, and I do think that sometimes I've done things over the threshold that it may not've been necessary. I guess that's a weakness. Though I may think that its OK in trying my best to be nice and not asking for anything in return, any third party would've thoought otherwise. I used to not care what other people think as long as I'm doing the right thing, but I guess sometimes what other people think may reflect what you've done to yourself. Thanks for the reminder and I shall try to control myself.
You've been a great friend over the years, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to be by your side when you were down - at least I could've called you more often but I didn't.
Anyway, would love to catch you more often when you are around Melbourne before you have to leave again.
Its interesting how our friendship circles and lifestyles have grown so different over the years. In the more recent years when I was in Melbourne, it was difficult for us to hang out together with our busy schedules and different friends/interests. I have found some really good friends in Melbourne. I hope you build a life dedicated to yourself in Melbourne too.
take care n don't allow simple things to become mountains in your mind n heart.
xo
Soo Huey
Don't forget to let me know when you're ready to catch up. I'd love to see you.
xo always.
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